drepression sucks
10:17 p.m. - 2004-11-01

I had to take a break from reading someone's diary. I lost touch of this chick for a while now so i have like hundred and one entries to read. Gosh I freaked out reading because it totally reminded me of my life.

I had a really screwed up childhood. It was filled with alot of abuse. My way to escape that was to make myself totally numb. If you are numb then you can't feel things. So at the age of 11 I started drinking and smoking. My parents knew I was doing it but I just denied it just like every teen does. I had so much pain that i couldnt find anyway to deal with it. I was such a quiet girl except with the ones that knew me well. My step sister thought that there was something wrong with her all the time(sickness). So she was in and out of the doctors office all the time and they gave her meds. She never finished them. We had the hall closet full of meds and one day I decided just to take some and get my life over. God to think how much I have taken in my life. Did you know that you take so much of nightquil that it will do the opposite? I use to take that shit all the time just to put me asleep at night. After a couple of years of that shit it didnt do nothing for me. It would be nothing to down a whole bottle of advil in about 2 days. My parents never noticed. I stayed in my room all the time and cried. I started drinking to cure my problems away. I would get so drunk that I would just lay there at night and just be still and nothing could touch me. I was so calm. It was weird. I was such a fucking mess during my teens. When I turned 15 I totally got out of my shy shell and partied hard with people instead of being alone. I was always the life of the paried. I found a new way to solve my hearting heart. When I got pissed off I would punch something. Shit my hand hurt like hell. It kept my mind off the pain in my heart but the pain in my hand. Do you know that at the age of 29 I still use pills? I guess when you pop 20 pills all your body can do is be numb. You are more scared with worring about dieing then worring about the problems you are having. Its like a non stop issue that I will have for the rest of my life. I know that I suffer from depression and always will. I have 2 moods, really low or really high! If i am ever even kill then my body freaks out and I dont know how to deal with it! Its just something that is freaking but somehow you got to figure out how to deal with it. I better be going ta ta!

For the record - 2005-11-18

Long time no see - 2005-11-14

Confused - 2005-09-08

I dont know what to say... - 2005-09-01

cbs blows - 2005-08-20

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