I fucked up!!
1:34 p.m. - 2004-11-04

Yeah I fucked up yep i am owning it cause I did it. Well the last time I was on here I was pissed cause my boyfriend wasnt home yet. I called a million and half times and he finally called me back. He was playing playstation with the guys. He told me that he would be home aroun 1 or 2. Okay so I am mad because couldnt he call me about 2 hours ago and tell me this? So yes I yelled that he didnt call and I said you better be home cause I need to go to work and u got the children to take to school. See he has been with out a job for 6 weeks now. So that is his job is the morning duties. No he doesnt clean or do anything to help out my load. I have been putting in over time and yet i still do stuff. He did cook supper a couple of times last week. So back to the story. I finally fell asleep and I woke up at 3am to find him not here yet. So I am worried about him trying to pay me a lesson about yelling at him. I wait till 4am and still nothing. I didnt want to call cause that would be nagging. So I called into work and told them I was sick. yes I was sick cause I made myself sick cuase worrying about him. So every 10 minutes i was in the bathroom comming out both ways cause my stomach was in knots by this time. So I tried to go back asleep fat chance of that happening. Finally at 530am he gets home. I went out there and he already had fallen asleep in the car. He went hunting. I asked how come he didnt call to tell me that he wasnt comming home till later. He said i would get mad. No i am mad now worrying about you all night and calling into work cause you didnt come home when you are suppose to. So I went back inside and asked god to let me calm down. Fat chance of that. I stormed back out there and yelled somemore. I tried to pull him out of the car cause he was sleeping in there. well things got ugly from there. I stratched him because my nails are so long. Then for him to get rid of me he brought his hand up and hit me in the face. Okay i was married to a guy that use to bet the shit out of me. Towards the end of our marriage i use to fight back. So i hit him back in the face. He tried to get me away again and he pushed me by my throat. I can say that he didnt mean to do any of these things it was defense so that I would stay away from him. I went inside and we yelled from there. So I feel bad about stratching him I truely do cause I have beeen on the other end of that and I know how that feels. So he locked himself in the garage cause I dont have a key to it. So i knocked on the door for awhile but I know that he wasnt getting out. So i went back into the house and laid down. I get up to get the kids to school and he finally comes in. I said sorry hundred times but nothing. I came home and tried to talk to him again but nothing. I went to my mom's house and slept over there. I came home to wake him up to get to work. We talked alittle bit about what happened but yes it to fresh to heal the wounds. So I told him that I would go back to counsling for my anger and just asked him to stand beside me through all of this. I asked for a hug and we hugged for about 5 minutes. He wouldnt kiss me right now but that is okay to. I wondering if he is going to come home tonight or just stay pissed. All I wanted was a phone a little fucking phone call how hard was that? I guess I am asking to much. Like I said I have a problem with my anger and I will get help with that but he will never own up to his stuff. How do I go about that? So now I am sitting here lost and confused. I havnt had nothing to eat all day but this is how I punish myself. I need to go take a paxil to calm my nerves down. Its weird how talk shows do important issues about people to get the knowledge out there but the one I saw yesterday actually put it in my head. They did a special about people cutting themselves. Hell that is right up my ally. Pissed and dont know what to do about it? Hurt yourself thats what I do. But I dont know if I actually could do that to myself so dont freak out. Soon as I get that paxil in me I will just be fine and dandy. Okay till later.

For the record - 2005-11-18

Long time no see - 2005-11-14

Confused - 2005-09-08

I dont know what to say... - 2005-09-01

cbs blows - 2005-08-20

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