I dont know
7:53 a.m. - 2005-04-28

Wow I dont know where to begin. My heart is so aching right now for Red. I left phone messages for her last night. I know she is so busy so I didnt hear back from her. This morning at 7am she called and I didnt get to the phone in time. She left a phone message. Man she sounded so horrible it makes me want to cry. I sit here and I cant do anything for my best friend. I know she is going to be busy for the next couple of days getting things worked out! I already miss the hell out of her. I hope she is okay. I hope she is not beating herself up about anything. She probably is and that is what is worring me so much. What I failed to mention yesterday is that her sister killed herself. Being a RN which Red is she would sit there and think that she could of done something more. We talked about her sister before and the troubles. I remember when I was a teenager and older when I attempted to kill myself a thousand and one times. Like I said before thanks to my step sister being a freak and always thinking she was sick I had a whole medicine closet full of pills which I cleaned out. I know now I really didnt want to die I just wanted to feel numb by taking them and wanted the pain to go away. Some people just get to deep and cant find their way out. My cousin killed herself a couple of years ago also. Its so hard to deal with. You sit here and think why? We will never know why. I am about to such scream! I better be going.

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